Imperial Rules

The notorious British ‘pint’ of beer will be drunk in celebration in pubs up and down the country, young holidaying couples will still be able to join the ‘mile high club’, a good ‘six inches’ will remain legendary and when my horse is winning the Derby with just one ‘furlong’ to go I will know I’ll soon be able to cheer and spend my winnings. Bosses will still require their ‘pound’ of flesh, stag parties will still be downing a ‘yard’ of ale and children will still be accused of not having an ‘ounce’ of common sense - thank heavens the EU has just shown some.

Günter Verheugen, the Commissioner for the Single Market, has exploded the myth that this was a part of a wider EU plot in an attack against the heart of Britishness. The imperial measures that have formed part of our traditions for centuries and have been the very essence of Britishness that all Europeans have come to know and love is now safe for future generations of children to learn that twelve inches make a foot, three feet make a yard and 1,760 yards make a mile… what could be simpler?

When their teacher informs them that there are sixteen ounces in a pound, fourteen pounds in a stone and a hundred and twelve pounds in a hundredweight with twenty hundredweight in a ton they will smile in delight and make learning fun for years to come.

The agreement to switch to metric was signed by the British Government back in 1980 as part of our introduction to the single market but its implementation has met with determined campaigners and a very unenthusiastic public unwilling to give up part of our traditions. Greengrocer Steve Thoburn, the ‘Metric Martyr’, was prosecuted and given a criminal record for selling bananas at his market stall by the pound. It was bureaucracy gone mad.

Local Councils have been craftily trying to introduce the metric system for years by putting measurements in metres on our information signs. When I’m shopping in town and I am desperate for ‘the loo’, a sign telling me that there is one 100 metres away is useless. Do I need to sprint or will a gentle amble be sufficient! Even the BBC are slowly brainwashing us on their weather forecasts with temperature information in ‘Celcius’. When the lovely Weathergirl tells me it will be 21 degrees C tomorrow will I need a pullover?

Pressure is also now slowly building here for the British people to have their say in the referendum that we were promised by ‘President Blair’ on the new re-hashed ‘Constitution’ but his successor Gordon Brown is holding out knowing that any vote on Europe will be a resounding ‘No’ but that is not a reason for not having one.